Since my time is limited lately by the inconsiderate nature of deadlines I thought that I would post a response that I wrote for Laura's blog. She wrote a very insightful blog on relationships that you may want to check out and respond to here.
Disclaimer: This is a risky subject for a man to write about. If my wife reads this--depending on the day and which way the wind is blowing--I could be in trouble...or it could be the best moment of my life. Have mercy.
Response: I, a non believer in 'the one,' am happily married--over all--but not 'in love' many days. However, I love my wife. There is a difference as I am sure you know. However, some days my wife and I are not even sure that we like each other...much less are 'in love' with each other.
We do sometimes wonder if we made the 'right' decision...if life would be different if we had made other decisions. We both have had moments of feeling trapped in our marriage--being numb with so much disappointment and longing as Renee puts it. I think that this is normal and that each couple/individual has their own methods--be them good or bad--for coping or resolving said feelings.
Laura and I try to practice honesty and leave room for the 'okness' of being hurt. In the end we know that we could 'survive' being married to other people. In fact, there are things that we enjoy experiencing relationally with others of the opposite sex that we do not/cannot experience with our spouse. We do not completely fulfill/find the longings--'spark'--of/within one another...not even close.
However, in humble and genuine commitment to one another--love--we discover within the context of our relationship new things that could not exist anywhere else--with anyone else. Ultimately these discoveries--though they may make us fight at first--eventually make us deeper 'in love' with each other.
I do not know how people who are simply dating can experience this. There is simply no reason to stay together through the pain that an intimately committed relationship can bring. If Laura and I were just dating we would have broken up long ago.
In short, our moments together are sometimes very disappointing (moments can last a long long time); but with the help of others our relationship over the long run (five years) has been very satisfying--even surprising, leaving us very grateful. However, it is safe to say that we still have longings that make us sad...I think that this is ok and part of our process.
Choosing a spouse is like so many other choices. The choice immediately limits possibilities or other options--and those should be mourned; however, the act of commitment opens up an infinite realm of new choices, experiences and possibilities previously unavailable to the uncommitted.
4 comments:
As one who recently very seriously questioned her marriage of 8 1/2 years, I think love is very tricky. I think that as kevin sawyer stated on Laura's blog some of that spark is hormones. Like you Brett, I do not believe there is "the one" out there. I think one can find a good marriage partner in a variety of people and depending on who you pick you will have that flavor of a marriage. Some of the reasons you pick your partner will be healthy ones others will be unhealthy and can lead to heartache. But I have found that knowing and being known in a marriage can be a powerful force for keeping a marriage intact. Not that you are always in love with every particular characteristic of your spouse-because let me tell you-he or she will disappoint you in ways you never even considered but as you choose over and over again to stay with this one person you will interweave all aspects of your life together. After a time, it will be more painful to unweave and peel all those intertwined parts apart than to stay and keep working on the marriage. You will learn and grow together, kind of like that iron sharpening iron picture in the Bible. That person who can drive you craziest is also the person who makes you the most happy from time to time. He or she will know your buttons and can push them but far from only knowing the crabby buttons that person will also know the contentment and happiness buttons. You don't want to explain yourself all over-all 8 1/2 years of yourself-to another person, so you stick it out. And most of the time it feels worth it and so far in my marriage, God helps me through those other times when I want to give it up.
You are truly amazing judesgirl.
Why is my comment page in German? Is this only happening on my computer?
judesgirl...I couldn't have said it better. You speak my heart exactly.
I fixed the German thing...someone may have hacked my blog account...or I am a computer dufas...now back to love and marriage.
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