When I was little I did a school report on the Loch Ness Monster. I think that I wanted it to exist. I wanted something that mysterious to still be 'out there'--to still be elusive to mankind's ability to know this world in which we live. I get excited when I get my National Geographic Adventure magazine. I am excited to see what is out there that I didn't know about.
Recently two big discoveries have been made in the animal world. For the first time a giant squid has been video taped in its own natural habitat. Also, a once thought extinct (almost mythical) woodpecker has been rediscovered in the wild. Read the original Cornell paper here and a Minnesotan birder who is still skeptical here.
I am not sure what excites me about these things. I am not a naturalist, birder or wildlife expert. I got excited last week watching a PBS episode on the effects of global warming on polar ice caps--I got excited because they discovered a species of worm that is living in the freshwater melting ice.
Sometimes I want there to be limits to our knowledge so that there are opportunities for our creativity...for our imagination. It is amazing to me that the largest squid and the largest woodpecker can be so elusive. It amazes me that Osama cannot be found.
When I watch the news I get the feeling that mankind has permeated every once of the planet. It is refreshing to know that we have a long ways to go. I am encouraged by the infinite nature of our lack of knowledge.
If the monster of Loch Ness does exist I hope that she escapes discovery for a while longer. Hopefully our often reckless inhabitation of the planet will not unknowingly steal away opportunities for discovery (as in the case of the Ivory Billed Woodpecker).
New opportunities for discovery are evolving all around us--that is somehow refreshing. What else is out there?
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Great is Over Rated
Those of you who have known me over the past six years and have had a recent conversation with me also know that I have changed substantially in that time span. I am not the same person I used to be. My world view is different and my personality is perhaps a little more refined from years of depression. The world will forever look different to me.
While I have many thoughts that have developed during this time--and continue to develop--I have one that I want to share with you today. Great is over rated.
First: a little background. Dreaming about future possibilities and being able to trust God have always come easy to me--like second nature. I am not a skeptic at heart. I am an optimist, an idealist, a romantic. Consequently I tend to be very impressionable.
Needless to say, my secular and Christian upbringing left a fairly large impression upon me. They combined to tell me that the future was mine to make of it what I could. My only limitation was my own lack of imagination--or faith. While I suppose that there is some validity to a high school teacher pumping up their 9th grade class with dreams of possibilities--dreams of great things--there is also much that was overlooked.
As a Christian from a Christian family, I grew up hearing incredible Bible stories. I heard about Daniel in the lions' den, Moses and the Red Sea, Joseph and his dreams, David and Goliath, Abraham and his son, Noah and his ark, Esther and the kingdom, Jesus and his disciples, Paul and his journeys...the list of great stories seems endless. I was encouraged to emulate these people and their faith that did great things. I was told that God could do great things through anyone. This may be true, but much has been overlooked.
Because I am impressionable I believed that I could find fulfillment through trusting God to use my life for great purposes. Now I didn't care if I got recognition or actually did something great--I just wanted fulfillment in life. I was led to believe that fulfillment came from the future--from a great future. Isn't that part of the message contained in the American Dream?
Now, five years later, I am here to say that great is over rated. And if great is contained in the future then maybe the future is over rated as well. It seems that my demographic (20 somethings) are consumed with the future--with transitioning to the right place, with establishing a family, with establishing something for our future. Our lives are on hold for what is to come. We have over looked the present. How many of us could say that right now our life has closure as a whole? How many of us could (this is a morbid thought) die today with closure--with some sort of resolution that our life has been enough? Our personal sense of fulfillment is probably attached to something yet to come in our lives--something great in the future.
I am not suggesting that we should give up goals and dreams for great things in the future (see description of my personality above). I can't help but to dream about future possibilities...but not with priority over the present.
I just had a conversation last week with my father-in-law over a book that he had been reading. It was about living in the present--not the past or the future. 'Present' was used as a play on words. It meant a gift as well as a moment in time. I used to think of unwrapping my future as a gift--but my present? Are my stack of bills to pay, my arguments with my wife, my work, mowing the lawn and worrying about finances really a gift?
Take a look at this quote by William James that I found at the back of The Art of Possibility by Rosamund and Benjamin Zander:
I am not only done with great things and big plans, great institutions and big successes, I am tired of them. They make me tired. I only have one life to live and it is not in a past that I can do little about nor is it in an abstract future that exists only in my head; my life must be lived in the gift of the present moment--with intrigue and with abandonment. I cannot hold out for something else when all I ever have is the present.
I find that as I venture to do this I am way behind in my ability to do this. I have never been taught how to value "those tiny, invisible loving human forces that work from individual to individual." I have not been taught how to be satisfied, content and fulfilled with what life has to offer right now. I am venturing in to new territory. I am venturing into my present.
As they say in the Dead Poets Society, I want to learn how to suck the marrow out of life. I hereby give myself freedom to leave the 'greatness' of the future behind in order to abandon myself to the gift of my life in the present--a life that is complete at any one moment.
While I have many thoughts that have developed during this time--and continue to develop--I have one that I want to share with you today. Great is over rated.
First: a little background. Dreaming about future possibilities and being able to trust God have always come easy to me--like second nature. I am not a skeptic at heart. I am an optimist, an idealist, a romantic. Consequently I tend to be very impressionable.
Needless to say, my secular and Christian upbringing left a fairly large impression upon me. They combined to tell me that the future was mine to make of it what I could. My only limitation was my own lack of imagination--or faith. While I suppose that there is some validity to a high school teacher pumping up their 9th grade class with dreams of possibilities--dreams of great things--there is also much that was overlooked.
As a Christian from a Christian family, I grew up hearing incredible Bible stories. I heard about Daniel in the lions' den, Moses and the Red Sea, Joseph and his dreams, David and Goliath, Abraham and his son, Noah and his ark, Esther and the kingdom, Jesus and his disciples, Paul and his journeys...the list of great stories seems endless. I was encouraged to emulate these people and their faith that did great things. I was told that God could do great things through anyone. This may be true, but much has been overlooked.
Because I am impressionable I believed that I could find fulfillment through trusting God to use my life for great purposes. Now I didn't care if I got recognition or actually did something great--I just wanted fulfillment in life. I was led to believe that fulfillment came from the future--from a great future. Isn't that part of the message contained in the American Dream?
Now, five years later, I am here to say that great is over rated. And if great is contained in the future then maybe the future is over rated as well. It seems that my demographic (20 somethings) are consumed with the future--with transitioning to the right place, with establishing a family, with establishing something for our future. Our lives are on hold for what is to come. We have over looked the present. How many of us could say that right now our life has closure as a whole? How many of us could (this is a morbid thought) die today with closure--with some sort of resolution that our life has been enough? Our personal sense of fulfillment is probably attached to something yet to come in our lives--something great in the future.
I am not suggesting that we should give up goals and dreams for great things in the future (see description of my personality above). I can't help but to dream about future possibilities...but not with priority over the present.
I just had a conversation last week with my father-in-law over a book that he had been reading. It was about living in the present--not the past or the future. 'Present' was used as a play on words. It meant a gift as well as a moment in time. I used to think of unwrapping my future as a gift--but my present? Are my stack of bills to pay, my arguments with my wife, my work, mowing the lawn and worrying about finances really a gift?
Take a look at this quote by William James that I found at the back of The Art of Possibility by Rosamund and Benjamin Zander:
I am done with great things and big plans, great institutions and big successes. I am for those tiny, invisible loving human forces that work from individual to individual, creeping through the crannies of the world like so many rootlets, or like the capillary oozing of water, yet which, if given time, will rend the hardest monuments of human pride.
I am not only done with great things and big plans, great institutions and big successes, I am tired of them. They make me tired. I only have one life to live and it is not in a past that I can do little about nor is it in an abstract future that exists only in my head; my life must be lived in the gift of the present moment--with intrigue and with abandonment. I cannot hold out for something else when all I ever have is the present.
I find that as I venture to do this I am way behind in my ability to do this. I have never been taught how to value "those tiny, invisible loving human forces that work from individual to individual." I have not been taught how to be satisfied, content and fulfilled with what life has to offer right now. I am venturing in to new territory. I am venturing into my present.
As they say in the Dead Poets Society, I want to learn how to suck the marrow out of life. I hereby give myself freedom to leave the 'greatness' of the future behind in order to abandon myself to the gift of my life in the present--a life that is complete at any one moment.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Sweet Savannah
This past week Laura and I took our first planned vacation (other than out honeymoon) as a couple. It was....ahhhh. So I thought I would share some pictures. These will be the last pictures of the summer because I start the last year of my grad program today (yesterday by the time I post this)--no more time for fun.
In short: We flew to Orlando and rented a Ford Mustang convertible; drove up the coast past the oldest town in America--St. Augustine, stayed on the beach at an incredible bed and breakfast on Tybee Island--just outside of Savannah--for seven nights. We had complementary wine and cheese every night. We drank a lot. On our last day there we kayaked through the lowlands (a tidal creek at the mouth of Savannah's river as it emptied into the ocean). We saw dolphins up close and navigated the incoming tidal surf. It was....ahhhh.
Laura's parents were able to drive over from Birmingham and stay with us for a few days. We all got our picture taken with the resident timberwolf, Buddy. He was formally wild until he wandered into an Alaska fishing camp one too many times. Craig (one of the guys who runs the B&B) took him home as a pet--check out his eyes.
Now if we could only get to South Africa to see my sister and bro-in-law....
In short: We flew to Orlando and rented a Ford Mustang convertible; drove up the coast past the oldest town in America--St. Augustine, stayed on the beach at an incredible bed and breakfast on Tybee Island--just outside of Savannah--for seven nights. We had complementary wine and cheese every night. We drank a lot. On our last day there we kayaked through the lowlands (a tidal creek at the mouth of Savannah's river as it emptied into the ocean). We saw dolphins up close and navigated the incoming tidal surf. It was....ahhhh.
Laura's parents were able to drive over from Birmingham and stay with us for a few days. We all got our picture taken with the resident timberwolf, Buddy. He was formally wild until he wandered into an Alaska fishing camp one too many times. Craig (one of the guys who runs the B&B) took him home as a pet--check out his eyes.
Now if we could only get to South Africa to see my sister and bro-in-law....
Friday, September 16, 2005
Gone for a Week
Before I start my final fall quarter of graduate school I am going to take a week off. I will return to write again for the last week of September.
Until then, I know that I just wrote some potentially provocative posts. I would love to hear from anyone who has questions or just flat out disagrees with me. I will check in next week to see if anyone had any thoughts while I was gone.
Have a good week!
Until then, I know that I just wrote some potentially provocative posts. I would love to hear from anyone who has questions or just flat out disagrees with me. I will check in next week to see if anyone had any thoughts while I was gone.
Have a good week!
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Life III: A Lesson from Star Wars and Donnie Darko
I am a little behind on my movie watching. I do a lot of renting. Movies are today's prose--today's poetry. At least the good ones are. While generations ago we used to read it now we tend to watch it. Movies are our Dostoevskys. They are our cultural prophets.
On the back of my Donnie Darko DVD case a Los Angeles Times reporter states of the movie that it is "one of the key American films of the decade." This might be true if only I understood half of it. I know this: I need to watch or read Watership Down again to discover any implication it may have in its obvious connection to Donnie Darko (check out the web site). Twenty years after Watership Down scared me as a child it has come back to haunt me again--only this time with a sense of awakening.
I digress before I even begin. I did not start this post to talk about the rabbit (Frank) of Donnie Darko or the rabbits of Watership Down. I wanted to point out a connection that I noticed between Star Wars III and Donnie Darko. I believe that the message contained there is a prophetic commentary on our current American culture. In particular the media and the Christian church may want to pay close attention.
I have trouble moving from one media exposure to another without taking time to interpret what I have seen. I did not have to make a point to stop and reflect this time. Reflection grabbed me like I imagine a heart attack would. There was little I could do about it. It started when I was sitting in the cheap theater watching Star Wars III and Obi-Wan Kenobi. Obi-Wan, acting prophetically in the movie, stated that those who speak in absolutes are influenced by the Dark Side of the Force. Wow. Now that is a counter cultural statement for America's media and for its Christian church.
The Christian church has made a point of depending upon absolute statements about life and God to maintain authority in the world. Who would have guessed that this is from the Dark Side--that is if we give Obi-Wan a voice in the church. I think we should. Contrastingly, many believers rely upon their knowledge of 'absolutes' to give them a firm foundation for their faith and Christian practice. Consequently, many crisis of faith are crisis of what we once held as absolute.
Could Obi-Wan be offering a futuristic warning in the same strain of the historic warning to the Corinthians? "...we know that 'all of us possess knowledge.' This 'knowledge' puffs up, but love builds up. If anyone imagines that he knows something, he does not yet know as he ought to know. But if anyone loves God, he is known by God" (I Cor. 8-1-3). I can almost imagine Yoda speaking those words.
Now obviously it is important to pursue knowledge...but what kind of knowledge? the absolute kind? the polarizing kind? The media like to polarize issues as much as anybody does. In fact, that is how you create an issue--you polarize it, you make it into extremes, you speak in absolutes. How many times have I been frustrated by questions and issues that appear to only have absolute answers. Am I for abortion or against it? Am I for the war or against it? Am I a Democrate or a Republican. It is not that simple. Watch the news and see how simply the media frames issues. Just about every issue has two sides as if it were only two dimensional.
Donnie Darko sat through a classroom session where his teacher made them watch a video about the power of fear to inhibit love. After the video was done she drew on the chalk board a straight line with 'Fear' written on the left side and 'Love' written on the right side. She explained that in any situation we are being motivated by one and the other. The goal is to free ourselves from the power of fear so that we may operate out of the freedom of love. To help the students see this reality she had them read a hypothetical situation and place an X on the continuum connecting fear and love based upon which motivational combination was compelling the hypothetical characters. Donnie Darko refused--and got angry.
He argued that life was not that simple. This two-dimensional diagram left no room for any other influential factors in the hypothetical situation. It overlooked the complexities found in real world scenarios. It boiled all of our emotions and motivations down to two categories. This was outrageous for Donnie Darko.
I will grant the teacher (and our churches and the media) that it helps to polarize issues for the sake of the learning environment--it makes teaching easier. However, it also teaches a simplistic and absolute view of the world. Overcome fear for love. I think that I have friends who have seen this video by Donnie Darko's teacher. This is not a bad principle I guess. But that is all that it is. It is a generality, not an absolute.
Maybe we are accustomed to speaking with such absolute, 'blanket', statements because it gives us a little more influence, respect, control and power--reflections of the Dark Side of the Force. Maybe the truth contains too many complexities for us that we feel as if we must speak in generalizations disguised as absolutes?
It could be that Obi-Wan and Darko are saying that it is time for us to deal with life's complexities. Maybe then faith and trust will take on new meanings.
On the back of my Donnie Darko DVD case a Los Angeles Times reporter states of the movie that it is "one of the key American films of the decade." This might be true if only I understood half of it. I know this: I need to watch or read Watership Down again to discover any implication it may have in its obvious connection to Donnie Darko (check out the web site). Twenty years after Watership Down scared me as a child it has come back to haunt me again--only this time with a sense of awakening.
I digress before I even begin. I did not start this post to talk about the rabbit (Frank) of Donnie Darko or the rabbits of Watership Down. I wanted to point out a connection that I noticed between Star Wars III and Donnie Darko. I believe that the message contained there is a prophetic commentary on our current American culture. In particular the media and the Christian church may want to pay close attention.
I have trouble moving from one media exposure to another without taking time to interpret what I have seen. I did not have to make a point to stop and reflect this time. Reflection grabbed me like I imagine a heart attack would. There was little I could do about it. It started when I was sitting in the cheap theater watching Star Wars III and Obi-Wan Kenobi. Obi-Wan, acting prophetically in the movie, stated that those who speak in absolutes are influenced by the Dark Side of the Force. Wow. Now that is a counter cultural statement for America's media and for its Christian church.
The Christian church has made a point of depending upon absolute statements about life and God to maintain authority in the world. Who would have guessed that this is from the Dark Side--that is if we give Obi-Wan a voice in the church. I think we should. Contrastingly, many believers rely upon their knowledge of 'absolutes' to give them a firm foundation for their faith and Christian practice. Consequently, many crisis of faith are crisis of what we once held as absolute.
Could Obi-Wan be offering a futuristic warning in the same strain of the historic warning to the Corinthians? "...we know that 'all of us possess knowledge.' This 'knowledge' puffs up, but love builds up. If anyone imagines that he knows something, he does not yet know as he ought to know. But if anyone loves God, he is known by God" (I Cor. 8-1-3). I can almost imagine Yoda speaking those words.
Now obviously it is important to pursue knowledge...but what kind of knowledge? the absolute kind? the polarizing kind? The media like to polarize issues as much as anybody does. In fact, that is how you create an issue--you polarize it, you make it into extremes, you speak in absolutes. How many times have I been frustrated by questions and issues that appear to only have absolute answers. Am I for abortion or against it? Am I for the war or against it? Am I a Democrate or a Republican. It is not that simple. Watch the news and see how simply the media frames issues. Just about every issue has two sides as if it were only two dimensional.
Donnie Darko sat through a classroom session where his teacher made them watch a video about the power of fear to inhibit love. After the video was done she drew on the chalk board a straight line with 'Fear' written on the left side and 'Love' written on the right side. She explained that in any situation we are being motivated by one and the other. The goal is to free ourselves from the power of fear so that we may operate out of the freedom of love. To help the students see this reality she had them read a hypothetical situation and place an X on the continuum connecting fear and love based upon which motivational combination was compelling the hypothetical characters. Donnie Darko refused--and got angry.
He argued that life was not that simple. This two-dimensional diagram left no room for any other influential factors in the hypothetical situation. It overlooked the complexities found in real world scenarios. It boiled all of our emotions and motivations down to two categories. This was outrageous for Donnie Darko.
I will grant the teacher (and our churches and the media) that it helps to polarize issues for the sake of the learning environment--it makes teaching easier. However, it also teaches a simplistic and absolute view of the world. Overcome fear for love. I think that I have friends who have seen this video by Donnie Darko's teacher. This is not a bad principle I guess. But that is all that it is. It is a generality, not an absolute.
Maybe we are accustomed to speaking with such absolute, 'blanket', statements because it gives us a little more influence, respect, control and power--reflections of the Dark Side of the Force. Maybe the truth contains too many complexities for us that we feel as if we must speak in generalizations disguised as absolutes?
It could be that Obi-Wan and Darko are saying that it is time for us to deal with life's complexities. Maybe then faith and trust will take on new meanings.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Life II: A Lesson from Garden State
One of my favorite movies is Garden State. I recently looked up Garden State on Amazon and looked at what movies people either bought along with Garden State or after viewing Garden State. Strange. They are all some of my other favorite movies (i.e. Eternal Sunshine, Sideways, Anchorman, Finding Neverland, Lost in Translation and Donnie Darko). I deduct from this that there is a category of people out there that all watch the same movies. It appears that I fit this demographic fairly well.
Oh well...I still think that Garden State has something to say a wider demographic--for those who take the time to listen. The premise of the movie (proceed with a little caution if you have not seen it--although there really isn't a surprise ending: it is all about the process) is that a little boy (Andrew Largeman) is involved with an at-home accident that leaves his mother paralyzed. His father (Gideon Largeman), who is a psychologist, prescribes some drugs for his son to help him become happy again while later sending him off to a boarding school. He hasn't been home since. The movie begins when Andrew has to come home for his mother's funeral a decade later.
There are many interesting scenes that demonstrate how Andrew is so disconnected from the world that he just kind of lives on in a daze. What he is really disconnected with is himself...so much so that he often just blends in to his environments as if he didn't even exist. This movie is about the process of Andrew finding himself. Of course he does end up finding himself (to some degree). That is no surprise. What is important is how and in what manner.
Without telling you the story I want to highlight two conversations near the end of the movie. The first conversation occurs at the scene of his mothers death. He is sitting in the bathtub in which his mother drowned while talking with Sam (played by Natalie Portman). He sheds an important first tear which Sam humorously collects in a paper cup. The second scene happens directly afterward and involves the long put off conversation between Andrew and Gideon. Here they are edited and excerpted...
from Scene 21:
Andrew: "Fuck this hurts so much."
Sam: "Yeah, I know, but that is life. If nothing else that's life, you know? Its real. Sometime it feels like it hurts. Yeah. It's sort of all we have."
from Scene 22:
Gideon: "I am sure you can find lots of things in your life that you can be angry about. But what I don't understand is why you're so angry at me. All I ever wanted was for everyone to be happy again. That's all I ever wanted."
Andrew: "But when were we all ever happy dad? You always say that. When was this time that you have in your mind that we were all so happy...cause I don't have it in my memory. Maybe if I did I could help steer us back there...you know. You and I need to work at being ok if that is not in the cards for us... I'm not going to take those drugs anymore because they left me completely fucking numb. I have felt so fucking numb to everything that I have experienced in my life...and for that...for that I am here to forgive you. You have always said all you wanted was for us to have whatever it is we want... What I want more than anything in the world is for it to be ok with you for me to feel something again--even if it is pain."
"Going against your doctor's recommendation...that is a pretty witty experiment to take on. Don't you think?"
"This is my life dad. This is it. I've spent 26 years waiting for something else to start. So, no; No, I don't think it is too much to take on because it is everything that there is. I see now it's all there is. You and I are going to be ok. You know that, right? We may not be as happy as you have always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let us just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are...and that will be better. Ok? I think that will be better.
Somehow through Gideon's desire for his son to be happy and for him not to feel pain Andrew learned exactly that. He learned not to feel pain--to hold out for happiness. However, happy feelings never came. If you can't feel sad can you really feel happy? Consequently, Andrew became numb to the world.
I have met many people (including my self at times) that are numb to the world. Could it be that we are holding out for happiness? Are we protecting ourselves from disappointment? Are we afraid that our feelings will embarrass us by revealing too much--by making ourselves to vulnerable? Are we afraid of hurt? Probably.
In that case Garden State may be helpful for us. It is better to feel sad, to feel ok, than it is to feel numb, to feel disconnected. Is this true? Is there some beauty to be salvaged even from darkness? I think so.
If we are honest with ourselves then we may have to admit that we might be mostly sad. In light of hurricane Katrina and the war in Iraq sadness seems to be an appropriate emotion. Hereinlies the dilemma for many Christians. Do we have an outlet for our sadness? for our anger? Are we forced too quickly by our theology or Christian community to be happy? Has this so repeatedly happened that we now feel numb?
There has been a revitalization of the Lament in Christian tradition. The Bible is full of Lament. I don't read or hear many authentic and genuine lamentations in Christian community today. I here a few, but the sad fact is that not too many leaders are teaching us how to be sad--how to be angry. How then can we authentically rejoice? How then can we be grateful? How then can we feel at all.
I am grieved at how many bored people I see walking around and sitting in Sunday pews. Who is going to engage these people with their sadness? Instead, as a society and as a church, we distract these people from their sadness. We tell them to be happy. We tell them to hope. Now they feel wrong for not being happy. Now they don't feel.
Maybe what they need most is to say, "Fuck this hurts so much."
And maybe the church needs to affirm their act of feeling by saying, "Yeah, I know, but that is life. If nothing else that's life, you know? It's real. Sometime it feels like it hurts. Yeah, it's sort of all we have."
I can already hear the protests of some Christians. "No. That is not all we have. We have a future of hope. We have God's promises." I say to those Christian that you are disconnected with the life most of us are living. You are disconnected with Jesus' own tears over the death of his friend. You are disconnected with the beautiful gift of feeling that God has given to us--our access to participating in God's own heart.
Rather than holding out for something better...for some other happier life to start, maybe we need to recognize that at least for now this life is all there is. "You and I are going to be ok. You know that, right? We may not be as happy as you have always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let us just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are...and that will be better. Ok? I think that will be better."
Maybe our message to our Christian communities could be: "What I want more than anything in the world is for it to be ok with you for me to feel something again--even if it is pain." In this way maybe we will engage something inside of us that is very closely participating in the gift that God has given to us--the gift of our own lives.
Oh well...I still think that Garden State has something to say a wider demographic--for those who take the time to listen. The premise of the movie (proceed with a little caution if you have not seen it--although there really isn't a surprise ending: it is all about the process) is that a little boy (Andrew Largeman) is involved with an at-home accident that leaves his mother paralyzed. His father (Gideon Largeman), who is a psychologist, prescribes some drugs for his son to help him become happy again while later sending him off to a boarding school. He hasn't been home since. The movie begins when Andrew has to come home for his mother's funeral a decade later.
There are many interesting scenes that demonstrate how Andrew is so disconnected from the world that he just kind of lives on in a daze. What he is really disconnected with is himself...so much so that he often just blends in to his environments as if he didn't even exist. This movie is about the process of Andrew finding himself. Of course he does end up finding himself (to some degree). That is no surprise. What is important is how and in what manner.
Without telling you the story I want to highlight two conversations near the end of the movie. The first conversation occurs at the scene of his mothers death. He is sitting in the bathtub in which his mother drowned while talking with Sam (played by Natalie Portman). He sheds an important first tear which Sam humorously collects in a paper cup. The second scene happens directly afterward and involves the long put off conversation between Andrew and Gideon. Here they are edited and excerpted...
from Scene 21:
Andrew: "Fuck this hurts so much."
Sam: "Yeah, I know, but that is life. If nothing else that's life, you know? Its real. Sometime it feels like it hurts. Yeah. It's sort of all we have."
from Scene 22:
Gideon: "I am sure you can find lots of things in your life that you can be angry about. But what I don't understand is why you're so angry at me. All I ever wanted was for everyone to be happy again. That's all I ever wanted."
Andrew: "But when were we all ever happy dad? You always say that. When was this time that you have in your mind that we were all so happy...cause I don't have it in my memory. Maybe if I did I could help steer us back there...you know. You and I need to work at being ok if that is not in the cards for us... I'm not going to take those drugs anymore because they left me completely fucking numb. I have felt so fucking numb to everything that I have experienced in my life...and for that...for that I am here to forgive you. You have always said all you wanted was for us to have whatever it is we want... What I want more than anything in the world is for it to be ok with you for me to feel something again--even if it is pain."
"Going against your doctor's recommendation...that is a pretty witty experiment to take on. Don't you think?"
"This is my life dad. This is it. I've spent 26 years waiting for something else to start. So, no; No, I don't think it is too much to take on because it is everything that there is. I see now it's all there is. You and I are going to be ok. You know that, right? We may not be as happy as you have always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let us just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are...and that will be better. Ok? I think that will be better.
Somehow through Gideon's desire for his son to be happy and for him not to feel pain Andrew learned exactly that. He learned not to feel pain--to hold out for happiness. However, happy feelings never came. If you can't feel sad can you really feel happy? Consequently, Andrew became numb to the world.
I have met many people (including my self at times) that are numb to the world. Could it be that we are holding out for happiness? Are we protecting ourselves from disappointment? Are we afraid that our feelings will embarrass us by revealing too much--by making ourselves to vulnerable? Are we afraid of hurt? Probably.
In that case Garden State may be helpful for us. It is better to feel sad, to feel ok, than it is to feel numb, to feel disconnected. Is this true? Is there some beauty to be salvaged even from darkness? I think so.
If we are honest with ourselves then we may have to admit that we might be mostly sad. In light of hurricane Katrina and the war in Iraq sadness seems to be an appropriate emotion. Hereinlies the dilemma for many Christians. Do we have an outlet for our sadness? for our anger? Are we forced too quickly by our theology or Christian community to be happy? Has this so repeatedly happened that we now feel numb?
There has been a revitalization of the Lament in Christian tradition. The Bible is full of Lament. I don't read or hear many authentic and genuine lamentations in Christian community today. I here a few, but the sad fact is that not too many leaders are teaching us how to be sad--how to be angry. How then can we authentically rejoice? How then can we be grateful? How then can we feel at all.
I am grieved at how many bored people I see walking around and sitting in Sunday pews. Who is going to engage these people with their sadness? Instead, as a society and as a church, we distract these people from their sadness. We tell them to be happy. We tell them to hope. Now they feel wrong for not being happy. Now they don't feel.
Maybe what they need most is to say, "Fuck this hurts so much."
And maybe the church needs to affirm their act of feeling by saying, "Yeah, I know, but that is life. If nothing else that's life, you know? It's real. Sometime it feels like it hurts. Yeah, it's sort of all we have."
I can already hear the protests of some Christians. "No. That is not all we have. We have a future of hope. We have God's promises." I say to those Christian that you are disconnected with the life most of us are living. You are disconnected with Jesus' own tears over the death of his friend. You are disconnected with the beautiful gift of feeling that God has given to us--our access to participating in God's own heart.
Rather than holding out for something better...for some other happier life to start, maybe we need to recognize that at least for now this life is all there is. "You and I are going to be ok. You know that, right? We may not be as happy as you have always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let us just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are...and that will be better. Ok? I think that will be better."
Maybe our message to our Christian communities could be: "What I want more than anything in the world is for it to be ok with you for me to feel something again--even if it is pain." In this way maybe we will engage something inside of us that is very closely participating in the gift that God has given to us--the gift of our own lives.
Monday, September 12, 2005
Life I: A Lesson from Tombstone
I woke up this morning intending to post on the relationship between the final words of Doc Holiday to Wyatt Earp in the movie Tombstone with the ending of Garden State. After further reflection I decided that I had too much to say. So this is part I: A Lesson from Tombstone.
When I was a bachelor living in this house with three other guys we maintained a religious routine. We would all return from work; warm up our dinner in the microwave; sit on the couch; watch Judge Judy; laugh; watch a scene from Tombstone; quote it and act it out in reference to our day's work; laugh and cheer.
One of our roommates (who went to 4 years of school to be a police officer) had a Tombstone nickname that we all sang (yelled) in unison: John "smut-dog, law-dog, law don't go around here no more, law-dog, smut-dog" Schmutzer! (pronounced 'smutzer'). The nickname escalated in speed and loudness until Schmutzer was a frenzied cry. It sounded best after a few beers.
It turns out that those were formative times for me. Tombstone is now possibly the most quoted movie in my marriage (most of the quoting done by me, of course). Lately, I have been quoting Doc Holiday's last conversation to Wyatt Earp before Doc dies of TB: "There's no normal life, Wyatt. There's just life. Now get on with it." Here it is in context:
Doc: "What do you want?"
Wyatt: "Just to live a normal life."
"There's no normal life, Wyatt. There's just life. Now get on with it."
"Don't know how."
"Sure you do. Say goodbye to me. Go grab that spirited actress and make her your own. Take that beauty and run. Don't look back. Live every second. Live right up to the hilt. Live Wyatt."
Often times my wife and I get stuck in a rut as we are attempting to figure out how to go about life. Which direction do we go? How do we get there? What are our goals? When life doesn't play out like it has been planned or anticipated we are back to the drawing board. It is a never ending cycle of re-evaluation. Life is always changing and never seems to reach that place of normalcy. Sometimes this is dissatisfying.
That is a perfect time to whip out a Tombstone quote. "There's no normal life. There's just life. Now get on with it." Perfect. Doc Holiday's quote gives freedom to me in those times I am caught trying to control my life's circumstances--even today as I long for a time where I won't have a desk full of paper work to do...or not knowing whether or not I will be deployed to Iraq next year.
Even though this is a message applicable to nearly everyone that I know, it may have a special application to Christians who attempt to control what life ‘should’ be about. I can picture King Solomon (possible author of Ecclesiastes and many proverbs; one of the richest and wisest persons ever to live) saying what Doc said to Wyatt.
Many Christians suffer like Wyatt Earp suffered. They don't know what to do with themselves. They are waiting and hoping that someone will tell them what to do with themselves. Each of our Christian communities has an idea of what the 'normal' Christian looks like. If you don't think so then go to your church and ask around what a Christian looks like--see how diverse the responses are.
I am guessing that some of the responses can closely identify with attempts to be one who "fears God and keeps his commandments." After all, Solomon concludes that this is the "whole duty of man." The attempt to do this certainly may not be normal in a broad, world wide, sense, but it is certainly normal for what a Christian is. Additionally, each Christian community has a common, 'normal,' way that they attempt to do this.
If we are not careful our pursuits of normality can hinder us from seeing a broader picture--a more diverse picture. How come answers to what a Christian looks like do not more closely resemble the rest of Ecclesiastes? What if life, 'who we should be,' was like the rest of the book as well. What would Christians be forced to see there? Could it include what Doc said to Wyatt?
Could it be to "Go grab that spirited actress and make her your own. Take that beauty and run. Don't look back. Live every second. Live right up to the hilt. Live Wyatt."? Could it be that Wyatt was stuck in a rut thinking that he needed to figure out how to live a normal life--so stuck that he could not trust his own being, his own desires, and enjoy the adventurous unknowns life could bring him? Could it be that many Christians are stuck in this same rut? Of course I think so.
I don't think that I have ever been told by another Christian to do what is on my heart without also feeling like there is some spiritual agenda that my heart is supposed to reveal to me--something that would make my decision appear 'normal'. I have always wanted to "suck the marrow out of life" like they attempted to do in Dead Poets Society. I often need someone like Robin Williams to rip out the pages of my book of 'what I should do' and set me free. I need someone like Doc.
Only one person has ever read Ecclesiastes and told me to "Go, eat your bread in joy, and drink your wine with a merry heart, for God has already approved what you do. Let your garments be always white. Let not oil be lacking on your head. Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun" (Ecc. 9:7-9)--and for him I am grateful.
I often need someone to set me free from this generalized and idealistic pursuit of the 'normal' life. There is just life...so live every second. This could be from Doc and it could be from Solomon...
When I was a bachelor living in this house with three other guys we maintained a religious routine. We would all return from work; warm up our dinner in the microwave; sit on the couch; watch Judge Judy; laugh; watch a scene from Tombstone; quote it and act it out in reference to our day's work; laugh and cheer.
One of our roommates (who went to 4 years of school to be a police officer) had a Tombstone nickname that we all sang (yelled) in unison: John "smut-dog, law-dog, law don't go around here no more, law-dog, smut-dog" Schmutzer! (pronounced 'smutzer'). The nickname escalated in speed and loudness until Schmutzer was a frenzied cry. It sounded best after a few beers.
It turns out that those were formative times for me. Tombstone is now possibly the most quoted movie in my marriage (most of the quoting done by me, of course). Lately, I have been quoting Doc Holiday's last conversation to Wyatt Earp before Doc dies of TB: "There's no normal life, Wyatt. There's just life. Now get on with it." Here it is in context:
Doc: "What do you want?"
Wyatt: "Just to live a normal life."
"There's no normal life, Wyatt. There's just life. Now get on with it."
"Don't know how."
"Sure you do. Say goodbye to me. Go grab that spirited actress and make her your own. Take that beauty and run. Don't look back. Live every second. Live right up to the hilt. Live Wyatt."
Often times my wife and I get stuck in a rut as we are attempting to figure out how to go about life. Which direction do we go? How do we get there? What are our goals? When life doesn't play out like it has been planned or anticipated we are back to the drawing board. It is a never ending cycle of re-evaluation. Life is always changing and never seems to reach that place of normalcy. Sometimes this is dissatisfying.
That is a perfect time to whip out a Tombstone quote. "There's no normal life. There's just life. Now get on with it." Perfect. Doc Holiday's quote gives freedom to me in those times I am caught trying to control my life's circumstances--even today as I long for a time where I won't have a desk full of paper work to do...or not knowing whether or not I will be deployed to Iraq next year.
Even though this is a message applicable to nearly everyone that I know, it may have a special application to Christians who attempt to control what life ‘should’ be about. I can picture King Solomon (possible author of Ecclesiastes and many proverbs; one of the richest and wisest persons ever to live) saying what Doc said to Wyatt.
Many Christians suffer like Wyatt Earp suffered. They don't know what to do with themselves. They are waiting and hoping that someone will tell them what to do with themselves. Each of our Christian communities has an idea of what the 'normal' Christian looks like. If you don't think so then go to your church and ask around what a Christian looks like--see how diverse the responses are.
I am guessing that some of the responses can closely identify with attempts to be one who "fears God and keeps his commandments." After all, Solomon concludes that this is the "whole duty of man." The attempt to do this certainly may not be normal in a broad, world wide, sense, but it is certainly normal for what a Christian is. Additionally, each Christian community has a common, 'normal,' way that they attempt to do this.
If we are not careful our pursuits of normality can hinder us from seeing a broader picture--a more diverse picture. How come answers to what a Christian looks like do not more closely resemble the rest of Ecclesiastes? What if life, 'who we should be,' was like the rest of the book as well. What would Christians be forced to see there? Could it include what Doc said to Wyatt?
Could it be to "Go grab that spirited actress and make her your own. Take that beauty and run. Don't look back. Live every second. Live right up to the hilt. Live Wyatt."? Could it be that Wyatt was stuck in a rut thinking that he needed to figure out how to live a normal life--so stuck that he could not trust his own being, his own desires, and enjoy the adventurous unknowns life could bring him? Could it be that many Christians are stuck in this same rut? Of course I think so.
I don't think that I have ever been told by another Christian to do what is on my heart without also feeling like there is some spiritual agenda that my heart is supposed to reveal to me--something that would make my decision appear 'normal'. I have always wanted to "suck the marrow out of life" like they attempted to do in Dead Poets Society. I often need someone like Robin Williams to rip out the pages of my book of 'what I should do' and set me free. I need someone like Doc.
Only one person has ever read Ecclesiastes and told me to "Go, eat your bread in joy, and drink your wine with a merry heart, for God has already approved what you do. Let your garments be always white. Let not oil be lacking on your head. Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun" (Ecc. 9:7-9)--and for him I am grateful.
I often need someone to set me free from this generalized and idealistic pursuit of the 'normal' life. There is just life...so live every second. This could be from Doc and it could be from Solomon...
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Canoe Trip II: Cannon River
It has become a family tradition (almost) to canoe down the Cannon River in the summer time. This year the occasion was the result of Laura's birthday wish. She would have rather floated a tube down the river but I have a strong preference (not a phobia) against swimming in lakes, oceans and rivers. So we canoed.
Since this trip was the day after I returned from the Boundary Waters I was happy to let the canoe be taken by the current. I was sore. My main focus was to not tip grandma overboard during the low parts of the trip.
I didn't take the camera on the water, but thought that I would share what pictures I did take. I seem to be in a picture sharing mood lately. Maybe that is partly because my brain has taken a vacation for the summer.
We drive to an old town called Welch Village (est. 1860) nestled in the bluffs to get outfitted and ride up the river. There is not much in the town--my pictures cover about 50% of it. I would recommend the trip to anyone who wants a leisurely afternoon. We saw a lot of turtles, big birds, eagles and jumping fish.
Since this trip was the day after I returned from the Boundary Waters I was happy to let the canoe be taken by the current. I was sore. My main focus was to not tip grandma overboard during the low parts of the trip.
I didn't take the camera on the water, but thought that I would share what pictures I did take. I seem to be in a picture sharing mood lately. Maybe that is partly because my brain has taken a vacation for the summer.
We drive to an old town called Welch Village (est. 1860) nestled in the bluffs to get outfitted and ride up the river. There is not much in the town--my pictures cover about 50% of it. I would recommend the trip to anyone who wants a leisurely afternoon. We saw a lot of turtles, big birds, eagles and jumping fish.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Canoe Trip I: BWCAW
I just got back from a long weekend of playing hard. I am sore but loving the memories. A good friend of mine, Jon Kodet, invited me to go to the Boundary Waters Canoe Area Wilderness on the Minnesota and Canada border. I had been camping there once before and jumped at the chance to go again.
We canoed and portaged into a campsite that we hence dubbed, St. Grog. Grog was the rum, water and kool-ade concoction that we choked down. I saw the best Northern Lights display that I have seen since I was a kid (no pictures though)--it was a vast white glow in the moonless northern sky with beams of white shooting up into space. The Milky Way was intense as well.
Jon and I were attacked by bats while doing some night fishing. Jon took it like a man and I whimpered like a school girl. There were about 20 bats circling our boat and dive bombing our lures--even while I was holding the lure in my hand.
I am thinking about planning a week-long trip next year. But until then I will just keep looking over my pictures. Here are a few (a lot) for you to look through. Most of them are self explanatory with the exception of the one where we were catching drinking water in the storm--but now you know. Enjoy...
Jon, Jason and Joe: this grog's for you.
We canoed and portaged into a campsite that we hence dubbed, St. Grog. Grog was the rum, water and kool-ade concoction that we choked down. I saw the best Northern Lights display that I have seen since I was a kid (no pictures though)--it was a vast white glow in the moonless northern sky with beams of white shooting up into space. The Milky Way was intense as well.
Jon and I were attacked by bats while doing some night fishing. Jon took it like a man and I whimpered like a school girl. There were about 20 bats circling our boat and dive bombing our lures--even while I was holding the lure in my hand.
I am thinking about planning a week-long trip next year. But until then I will just keep looking over my pictures. Here are a few (a lot) for you to look through. Most of them are self explanatory with the exception of the one where we were catching drinking water in the storm--but now you know. Enjoy...
Jon, Jason and Joe: this grog's for you.
Friday, September 02, 2005
Happy Birthday Wife
It is Laura's Birthday! She turns old today.
Is that mean? Probably. I think that it is funny. We make such a big deal about age...as if the best of life happens when we are young. Some of the best things in life only get better with age...like sex (I think) and wine and cheese and wisdom. Adventure doesn't stop with age...the adventures just become more meaningful.
Anyways...no matter how you measure age, 31 just isn't that old. It is just the beginning of old. I am being mean again. I can't stop laughing though...I am still in my 20s. Some day I will know what I am talking about.
All kidding aside, I wrote a poem once when I was overseas. It is to my Laura, my wife.
For those of you who repulse at mushy muck read no further. I am normally one of you, but since this is my wife and my poem I think that I am exempt from repulsion for today.
Here's to Laura (and a New Castle too):
Beautiful Eyes
full of soft lullabies
now staring alone into a
suspicious evening--
it's the night that
concerns me
I miss those eyes
tending to my peace--
now I toss before I sleep
a restless heart for none to keep
but I whisper prayers
of a timid heart--
bless my beautiful eyes
while I sojourn
that again they will sing
to the tune
of my goodnight
sleep
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
TWIP Notes III
Laura, my wife, just finished her first mini-triathlon on Sunday. She swam, biked and ran in Baxter, MN with our good friends Ben and Jenny. I watched.
I am proud of her. It has always been a dream of hers to do things like this. It is worthy to take note when someone begins to accomplish a dream. Too often dreams lack the occasion, metal and gumption to become reality. So to take note of this dream I took pictures.
This Week In Pictures third edition is pretty self explanatory. I would include captions if I could figure out how. I once knew how but have since forgotten. The pictures progress in chronological order from pre-race to post-race and include me, Laura, Ben and Jenny (mostly Laura of course).
Good job crazy people!
I am proud of her. It has always been a dream of hers to do things like this. It is worthy to take note when someone begins to accomplish a dream. Too often dreams lack the occasion, metal and gumption to become reality. So to take note of this dream I took pictures.
This Week In Pictures third edition is pretty self explanatory. I would include captions if I could figure out how. I once knew how but have since forgotten. The pictures progress in chronological order from pre-race to post-race and include me, Laura, Ben and Jenny (mostly Laura of course).
Good job crazy people!
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
TWIP Notes II
One of my closest friends is in prison. He committed a horrible crime. His name is Jude.
I can never disregard the severity of his crime nor can I disregard its affects upon lives that have been unwillingly changed by him. However, that being said (and more could be said), I regard Jude with my utmost respect and admiration. In my heart I regard him as my brother. Although I am not the best at keeping in touch, I will never disregard him.
Prior to Jude's initial arrest he deceived a lot of people. It was hard to have been lied to. It hurt. It took courage on my part to trust Jude again. I do not make my self vulnerable in trusting Jude because he has proven himself trustworthy. I entrust my self to Jude because I love him. He is a part of who I am. I do not believe that he takes this for granted.
While I do not hold my self back from Jude I cannot but wonder if he feels that he must hold himself back from me. I wonder if the severity of his crime and the subsequent violations of many friendships cause Jude to expect judgment from even me. How vulnerable in friendship can one be if they expect judgment? In all of his conversations Jude is the suspect--his motives, thoughts, judgments, spiritual insights, process of recovery or any demonstration of normality are on trial. Because of his crime Jude may be left wondering how he can ever trust anyone again. This is gravely unfortunate when perhaps the greatest need for overcoming any traumatic human struggle is the need to trust someone.
While Jude's prison sentence continues I hope that our friendship will also continue to deepen. I am disappointed that since my military deployment I have only been able to visit with him twice. Prior to my deployment we talked almost every other week. With my graduate schedule it takes a lot of pre-planning to achieve a visit with Jude. This is something I look to improve--for both of our sakes.
When I visited with him in January we got on the topic of blankets. I was complaining at how few blankets I have ever had that were made for people over 6 feet tall. Blankets should come in shirt sizes--small, medium, large and extra large. Often I try to curl up in a blanket to watch football in the fall and I can only cover my mid section. If I cover my feet the standard blanket only covers up to my nipples. If I cover my shoulders then my feet stick out.
Jude took matters into his own hands. While in prison he has taken up knitting. He is really good. Today I am the proud owner of the best blanket that I have ever tucked around my body--a product of months of Jude's hard work. No longer will I be a blanket complainer. My blanket even has a tag on it that says "Made Especially for you by Jude." Nice touch.
Andrea was kind enough to send me this picture (thanks, Andrea). The picture does not do justice to the warmth, snuggleability, and vine-like patterns in this blanket. Here it is for the second installment of This Week In Pictures:
I can never disregard the severity of his crime nor can I disregard its affects upon lives that have been unwillingly changed by him. However, that being said (and more could be said), I regard Jude with my utmost respect and admiration. In my heart I regard him as my brother. Although I am not the best at keeping in touch, I will never disregard him.
Prior to Jude's initial arrest he deceived a lot of people. It was hard to have been lied to. It hurt. It took courage on my part to trust Jude again. I do not make my self vulnerable in trusting Jude because he has proven himself trustworthy. I entrust my self to Jude because I love him. He is a part of who I am. I do not believe that he takes this for granted.
While I do not hold my self back from Jude I cannot but wonder if he feels that he must hold himself back from me. I wonder if the severity of his crime and the subsequent violations of many friendships cause Jude to expect judgment from even me. How vulnerable in friendship can one be if they expect judgment? In all of his conversations Jude is the suspect--his motives, thoughts, judgments, spiritual insights, process of recovery or any demonstration of normality are on trial. Because of his crime Jude may be left wondering how he can ever trust anyone again. This is gravely unfortunate when perhaps the greatest need for overcoming any traumatic human struggle is the need to trust someone.
While Jude's prison sentence continues I hope that our friendship will also continue to deepen. I am disappointed that since my military deployment I have only been able to visit with him twice. Prior to my deployment we talked almost every other week. With my graduate schedule it takes a lot of pre-planning to achieve a visit with Jude. This is something I look to improve--for both of our sakes.
When I visited with him in January we got on the topic of blankets. I was complaining at how few blankets I have ever had that were made for people over 6 feet tall. Blankets should come in shirt sizes--small, medium, large and extra large. Often I try to curl up in a blanket to watch football in the fall and I can only cover my mid section. If I cover my feet the standard blanket only covers up to my nipples. If I cover my shoulders then my feet stick out.
Jude took matters into his own hands. While in prison he has taken up knitting. He is really good. Today I am the proud owner of the best blanket that I have ever tucked around my body--a product of months of Jude's hard work. No longer will I be a blanket complainer. My blanket even has a tag on it that says "Made Especially for you by Jude." Nice touch.
Andrea was kind enough to send me this picture (thanks, Andrea). The picture does not do justice to the warmth, snuggleability, and vine-like patterns in this blanket. Here it is for the second installment of This Week In Pictures:
Thanks Jude.
Monday, August 29, 2005
TWIP Notes I
I am back from studying. I admit that I was also on a family vacation to Gull Lake in the Brainard/Baxter area. It wasn't strictly studying for me.
I have pictures to share. This week I will share pics from a camping trip that I took over my birthday with some college friends, our vacation pics and pics from Laura's triathlon that she ran yesterday.
This Week In Pictures begins with a camping trip to Buckhorn State Park, WI. I took this trip with some friends from UWEC. We have managed to stay friends even though we are spread out across Wisconsin and Minnesota. Many (if not most) of my memories from college include these guys. From Left to right they are Ryan Kane, Jason Belair, Tom Mews, Jason Viner and me.
I have pictures to share. This week I will share pics from a camping trip that I took over my birthday with some college friends, our vacation pics and pics from Laura's triathlon that she ran yesterday.
This Week In Pictures begins with a camping trip to Buckhorn State Park, WI. I took this trip with some friends from UWEC. We have managed to stay friends even though we are spread out across Wisconsin and Minnesota. Many (if not most) of my memories from college include these guys. From Left to right they are Ryan Kane, Jason Belair, Tom Mews, Jason Viner and me.
This last picture includes the women that made it out to camp with us (of course many were invited)--Carolyn on the left and Laura on the right (her picture was skillfully added later by Ryan). We also went to Noah Ark water park (on Aug 12...my birthday) and tried to bowl in town (even the Jewish kid from Milwaukee was no match for Jason Viner :) ) But as usual, my favorite times were at night around the camp fire. Laura and I look forward to next year.
For more pics of the camping check out Ryan's website.
Friday, August 19, 2005
Headlines
I know that I promised to leave a place to muse for a while...I will. I just saw these breaking headlines and thought that I would include them here.
Rumsfeld Makes Surprise Visit to Wife's Vagina "Rumsfeld: 'I am proud to report that my wife met and exceeded the operational standards set by the U.S. military for readiness in a two-front war.'"
U.S. Intelligence: Nukehavistan May Have Nuclear Weapons "It is believed that over 90 percent of Nukehavistan's 17 million citizens work in the power-plant industry."
Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New 'Intelligent Falling' Theory "In Matthew 15:14, Jesus says, 'And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch.' He says nothing about gravity."
For more headlines like, Bush Does 360 On Abortion Stance, visit The Onion
Rumsfeld Makes Surprise Visit to Wife's Vagina "Rumsfeld: 'I am proud to report that my wife met and exceeded the operational standards set by the U.S. military for readiness in a two-front war.'"
U.S. Intelligence: Nukehavistan May Have Nuclear Weapons "It is believed that over 90 percent of Nukehavistan's 17 million citizens work in the power-plant industry."
Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New 'Intelligent Falling' Theory "In Matthew 15:14, Jesus says, 'And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch.' He says nothing about gravity."
For more headlines like, Bush Does 360 On Abortion Stance, visit The Onion
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Poetry and the GRE
I am going to take a break from a place to muse (until the last week of August). Studying for the GRE (Graduate Record Examination) has taken over my life. I have always been a little nervous about my academic abilities. I am not being modest. I am not one of those straight A students who is nervous about getting a B. I like Bs. Bs are my friend. I have always done just what I have to academically--nothing more or less.
In high school I got a 3.0 GPA so that I would be able to maintain lower car insurance rates. In college I got a 2.5 GPA so that I could keep my job as an R.A. It is not that I couldn't have gotten better grades--I just never had any reason to try...until now. So I don't know what I am capable of doing academically. I will find out soon enough.
This is my last year of my MA in Christian Thought at Bethel Seminary and hopefully it will be on to a PhD program in American Literature after that. This is something that I never thought I would do--more school.
When I return to the blogosphere I will post pictures of a recent camping trip that I was on and hopefully share a story (and picture) of the best blanket that I have ever owned. For now I will leave you with a poem that I have written....
I admittedly do not know much about poetry. It is a hobby that I would like to develop. So if any of you reading this do know things about poetry I am always starving for constructive criticism. You can do it publicly with a comment on this blog or email me personally. Don't worry about hurting my feelings (or flattering me). As of this point I am not emotionally attached to my abilities as a poet (at least I don't think I am). The poem is a bit out of season...
I have left my breath
behind as I've walked
for all to see
the strain on my heart--
my lungs can't disguise it.
'Everyone's Welcome'
at the Blue Moon Cafe--
but my feelings
seem to be descending
like this mist--
like the temperature
for that matter.
So why? and why
should I take
the long way--
forgetting you hurt me
seems so much
warmer today.
Will we say
a partial good-bye--
like those ancient swords
in plexi-glass cases
at the Chicago Art Museum?
I should have worn
another jacket.
It is a long, cold
walk to Spring.
Brett Knutson
aka b-nut
In high school I got a 3.0 GPA so that I would be able to maintain lower car insurance rates. In college I got a 2.5 GPA so that I could keep my job as an R.A. It is not that I couldn't have gotten better grades--I just never had any reason to try...until now. So I don't know what I am capable of doing academically. I will find out soon enough.
This is my last year of my MA in Christian Thought at Bethel Seminary and hopefully it will be on to a PhD program in American Literature after that. This is something that I never thought I would do--more school.
When I return to the blogosphere I will post pictures of a recent camping trip that I was on and hopefully share a story (and picture) of the best blanket that I have ever owned. For now I will leave you with a poem that I have written....
I admittedly do not know much about poetry. It is a hobby that I would like to develop. So if any of you reading this do know things about poetry I am always starving for constructive criticism. You can do it publicly with a comment on this blog or email me personally. Don't worry about hurting my feelings (or flattering me). As of this point I am not emotionally attached to my abilities as a poet (at least I don't think I am). The poem is a bit out of season...
I have left my breath
behind as I've walked
for all to see
the strain on my heart--
my lungs can't disguise it.
'Everyone's Welcome'
at the Blue Moon Cafe--
but my feelings
seem to be descending
like this mist--
like the temperature
for that matter.
So why? and why
should I take
the long way--
forgetting you hurt me
seems so much
warmer today.
Will we say
a partial good-bye--
like those ancient swords
in plexi-glass cases
at the Chicago Art Museum?
I should have worn
another jacket.
It is a long, cold
walk to Spring.
Brett Knutson
aka b-nut
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Twins and Cubs
If I could ever figure out how to add categories to this blog I would probably have one for baseball.
Since I am studying for the GRE all day (and am getting a late start) I will post light today. Just enough to say congratulations to the Twins for their marathon win against the White Sox. Today they go for the sweep (on the road) against baseball's toughest team.
Congratulations to the Cubs as well. It has been a miserable season to any fan with high expectations (Cubs fans should know better). The Cubs are sadly tied with the Brewers in their division--it has come to this. However, despite their woes they are still hanging on to the Wild Card race. Last nights victory over the Astros should give them a good boost.
For the first time this season the Cubs are playing with their intended starting lineup. Nomar is finally back and contributing. Even though Wood is throwing out of the pen now it should be interesting to see how they are able to finish a tough season.
Since I am studying for the GRE all day (and am getting a late start) I will post light today. Just enough to say congratulations to the Twins for their marathon win against the White Sox. Today they go for the sweep (on the road) against baseball's toughest team.
Congratulations to the Cubs as well. It has been a miserable season to any fan with high expectations (Cubs fans should know better). The Cubs are sadly tied with the Brewers in their division--it has come to this. However, despite their woes they are still hanging on to the Wild Card race. Last nights victory over the Astros should give them a good boost.
For the first time this season the Cubs are playing with their intended starting lineup. Nomar is finally back and contributing. Even though Wood is throwing out of the pen now it should be interesting to see how they are able to finish a tough season.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Redemption vs. Evangelism
My good friend, Adam, is starting a multi-day post on evangelism. I responded to his post today and thought that I would include an edited version of my response here.
I might be a Christian that does not see evangelism as an essential spiritual discipline. I am not against people developing a faith and practice in relationship to the Christian God. However, I am against the idea of making converts (evangelism) as a primary relational motivation. I am against the strong us/them distinctions that the word evangelism evokes. I am against sitting around with Christian friends and philosophizing about how to convert my friends. I am also against (as you mentioned, Adam) attractional, depersonalized, marketing schemes designed to lure others into an 'organizational christianity'--this is propaganda and is what many organizations participate in to some degree.
If we took the word 'evangelism' and placed it in the semantic toilet and flushed for a long time, that would be good.
We are in need of new words to reconstruct how we relate with one another. Redemption, until perverted, might be one of those. If we are at work to redeem each other it does not matter whether or not we have faith or will ever come to faith.
If someone is going to redeem another then they must really know them. If one were to redeem my frustrating night last night then they might tell me how valuable my thought processes are despite the how they lead me to procrastinate. They might give me the courage I need to embrace what is good about me. This of course would require that Christians can read the world (the world not according to Thomas Kinkade) and discover beauty, goodness and truth in what they see. This is a task which I fear that many who don't regard Jesus as their Savior are just plain better at--even though they may not embrace a larger-than-life story which has any redeeming value.
Then again, the word 'redemption' might not be what I am looking for. I just know that the way that the word 'evangelism' (and sometimes 'witnessing') has emerged within Christian subculture is repulsive.
Incidentally, I feel the same way about the word 'missional' as it is used in some circles. Don't get me wrong. I am not against telling someone 'facts' about Christianity or about how meaningful my faith is for me; I am not even bashful about telling friends that I think my faith can be meaningful for them. However, this is not a one way street.
My friends (regardless of faith) can have a redeeming value for me if I give them a voice in my life. This weekend I spent time camping with some of my closest friends--even though we are distant. I don't know if any of them would profess to be a Christian, although some might; I am sure some would not.
These friends have full reign in my life to offer me advice and console me in life. I respect what they have to say. They tell me when I am treating my wife poorly and even help me make career decisions. They even listen to my frustrations with my faith and occasionally read this blog. This past weekend I learned from them when a joke can go to far; I also learned about what is refreshing about being loved. I have few friends that care for me like they do.
Because of my faith I believe that all of these things that I learn from them (full of goodness, truth and beauty) are from God. They minister to me out of the gift of life that God has given to them. I only hope that I can do the same for them.
It is ultimately up to each of us (Christian or undecided or non-Christian) what place we will give the redemptive power of Jesus' story in our lives. In this regard we are all equal in our pilgrimage. Each day our questions, doubts and beliefs face new relevance.
I might be a Christian that does not see evangelism as an essential spiritual discipline. I am not against people developing a faith and practice in relationship to the Christian God. However, I am against the idea of making converts (evangelism) as a primary relational motivation. I am against the strong us/them distinctions that the word evangelism evokes. I am against sitting around with Christian friends and philosophizing about how to convert my friends. I am also against (as you mentioned, Adam) attractional, depersonalized, marketing schemes designed to lure others into an 'organizational christianity'--this is propaganda and is what many organizations participate in to some degree.
If we took the word 'evangelism' and placed it in the semantic toilet and flushed for a long time, that would be good.
We are in need of new words to reconstruct how we relate with one another. Redemption, until perverted, might be one of those. If we are at work to redeem each other it does not matter whether or not we have faith or will ever come to faith.
If someone is going to redeem another then they must really know them. If one were to redeem my frustrating night last night then they might tell me how valuable my thought processes are despite the how they lead me to procrastinate. They might give me the courage I need to embrace what is good about me. This of course would require that Christians can read the world (the world not according to Thomas Kinkade) and discover beauty, goodness and truth in what they see. This is a task which I fear that many who don't regard Jesus as their Savior are just plain better at--even though they may not embrace a larger-than-life story which has any redeeming value.
Then again, the word 'redemption' might not be what I am looking for. I just know that the way that the word 'evangelism' (and sometimes 'witnessing') has emerged within Christian subculture is repulsive.
Incidentally, I feel the same way about the word 'missional' as it is used in some circles. Don't get me wrong. I am not against telling someone 'facts' about Christianity or about how meaningful my faith is for me; I am not even bashful about telling friends that I think my faith can be meaningful for them. However, this is not a one way street.
My friends (regardless of faith) can have a redeeming value for me if I give them a voice in my life. This weekend I spent time camping with some of my closest friends--even though we are distant. I don't know if any of them would profess to be a Christian, although some might; I am sure some would not.
These friends have full reign in my life to offer me advice and console me in life. I respect what they have to say. They tell me when I am treating my wife poorly and even help me make career decisions. They even listen to my frustrations with my faith and occasionally read this blog. This past weekend I learned from them when a joke can go to far; I also learned about what is refreshing about being loved. I have few friends that care for me like they do.
Because of my faith I believe that all of these things that I learn from them (full of goodness, truth and beauty) are from God. They minister to me out of the gift of life that God has given to them. I only hope that I can do the same for them.
It is ultimately up to each of us (Christian or undecided or non-Christian) what place we will give the redemptive power of Jesus' story in our lives. In this regard we are all equal in our pilgrimage. Each day our questions, doubts and beliefs face new relevance.
Monday, August 15, 2005
The Power of a Journey
I am sitting at Dunn Bros. listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd's Sweet Home Alabama. I could listen to that song for a really long time. Even now as it is winding down I want someone to hit 'repeat'.
There is something in my heart that noticeably swoons when I hear "big wheels keep on turning.'" I flashback to just yesterday as I was riding down I94 with a long time friend wondering what it would be like to be the driver of an 18 wheeler for even a short time...to see what they see.
I have this same fascinations with trains, railroad tracks, space, air planes, barges, rivers, oceans, big ships, buses, and even hiking trails. They each contain an element of mystery--like their distant destination, the unknowns of their journey and the stories of those who journey together.
Even the star ship Enterprise launches me into a futuristic journey where possibility is all that there is. Old photos on the walls of restaurants residing in historic buildings also never fail to launch me into a nostalgic journey of what once was. This may have been part of the 1980s appeal of Back to the Future.
These journeys into the unknown are all full of possibilities. They contain both the possibility to freshly define ourselves in a moment of time as well as the possibility to be newly defined or discovered by the journey itself. Each presents us with the opportunity to discover something new--the potential to escape our lives as we know them and discover what we always knew could be there.
Stowing away on a ship or empty rail car is about embracing romance. It is about the embracing dreams and ideals. It is about giving voice to our restless heart.
I used to lay on my back on the airport's tarmac waiting for the next plane to arrive at its designated parking place. I would stare into the night sky with my ear muffs drowning out the airport noise and dream about new possibilities. Often as I loaded a plane with bags I would notice the destination tag and wonder what it must be like to travel there if only for a night.
I am sure that each journey would get old--they are idealistic after all--but that is precisely why the power of a journey keeps haunting us. There is always something new around the corner. There are always past journeys to romance us so that they may bring new energy to our present. There are distant worlds and future possibilities to bring us forward to what is next.
There is character to be forged on pilgrimage. It is the self-defining journey of Frodo and the rest of his Hobbit and Elven friends that is too seldom related to our own quests of school, job hunting and family raising. In our own journeys it is important to be inspired by those who have gone before us and those places that are yet undiscovered. Without this romance we will soon be bored with ourselves. We will not be intrigued by our own journeys--we will be trapped by them.
In the practical world that I live in I am sure that I would tire of traveling, but I can't imagine that I will ever tire of dreaming. In fact, the journey described by Lynyrd Skynyrd is one which is tired of being on the road. It is a coming home to all that is familiar. Their journeys have spawned in them a new romance for their home, Alabama.
Maybe it is often in our travels that we realize where home is. Maybe the power of romance is that it always brings us to what is real--no matter how warm or harsh that reality may be. Maybe I like the mysteries of travel--or journeys--because they ground my restless heart in what really matters.
Sweet Home Alabama
(ed king - ronnie vanzant - gary rossington)
Big wheels keep on turning
Carry me home to see my kin
Singing songs about the southland
I miss alabamy once again
And I think it's a sin, yes
Well I heard mister young sing about her
Well, I heard ole neil put her down
Well, I hope neil young will remember
A southern man don't need him around anyhow
Sweet home alabama
Where the skies are so blue
Sweet home alabama
Lord, I'm coming home to you
In birmingham they love the governor
Now we all did what we could do
Now watergate does not bother me
Does your conscience bother you?
Tell the truth
Sweet home alabama
Where the skies are so blue
Sweet home alabama
Lord, I'm coming home to you
Here I come alabama
Now muscle shoals has got the swampers
And they've been known to pick a song or two
Lord they get me off so much
They pick me up when I'm feeling blue
Now how about you?
Sweet home alabama
Where the skies are so blue
Sweet home alabama
Lord, I'm coming home to you
Sweet home alabama
Oh sweet home baby
Where the skies are so blue
And the governor's true
Sweet home alabama
Lordy
Lord, I'm coming home to you
Yea, yea montgomery's got the answer
There is something in my heart that noticeably swoons when I hear "big wheels keep on turning.'" I flashback to just yesterday as I was riding down I94 with a long time friend wondering what it would be like to be the driver of an 18 wheeler for even a short time...to see what they see.
I have this same fascinations with trains, railroad tracks, space, air planes, barges, rivers, oceans, big ships, buses, and even hiking trails. They each contain an element of mystery--like their distant destination, the unknowns of their journey and the stories of those who journey together.
Even the star ship Enterprise launches me into a futuristic journey where possibility is all that there is. Old photos on the walls of restaurants residing in historic buildings also never fail to launch me into a nostalgic journey of what once was. This may have been part of the 1980s appeal of Back to the Future.
These journeys into the unknown are all full of possibilities. They contain both the possibility to freshly define ourselves in a moment of time as well as the possibility to be newly defined or discovered by the journey itself. Each presents us with the opportunity to discover something new--the potential to escape our lives as we know them and discover what we always knew could be there.
Stowing away on a ship or empty rail car is about embracing romance. It is about the embracing dreams and ideals. It is about giving voice to our restless heart.
I used to lay on my back on the airport's tarmac waiting for the next plane to arrive at its designated parking place. I would stare into the night sky with my ear muffs drowning out the airport noise and dream about new possibilities. Often as I loaded a plane with bags I would notice the destination tag and wonder what it must be like to travel there if only for a night.
I am sure that each journey would get old--they are idealistic after all--but that is precisely why the power of a journey keeps haunting us. There is always something new around the corner. There are always past journeys to romance us so that they may bring new energy to our present. There are distant worlds and future possibilities to bring us forward to what is next.
There is character to be forged on pilgrimage. It is the self-defining journey of Frodo and the rest of his Hobbit and Elven friends that is too seldom related to our own quests of school, job hunting and family raising. In our own journeys it is important to be inspired by those who have gone before us and those places that are yet undiscovered. Without this romance we will soon be bored with ourselves. We will not be intrigued by our own journeys--we will be trapped by them.
In the practical world that I live in I am sure that I would tire of traveling, but I can't imagine that I will ever tire of dreaming. In fact, the journey described by Lynyrd Skynyrd is one which is tired of being on the road. It is a coming home to all that is familiar. Their journeys have spawned in them a new romance for their home, Alabama.
Maybe it is often in our travels that we realize where home is. Maybe the power of romance is that it always brings us to what is real--no matter how warm or harsh that reality may be. Maybe I like the mysteries of travel--or journeys--because they ground my restless heart in what really matters.
Sweet Home Alabama
(ed king - ronnie vanzant - gary rossington)
Big wheels keep on turning
Carry me home to see my kin
Singing songs about the southland
I miss alabamy once again
And I think it's a sin, yes
Well I heard mister young sing about her
Well, I heard ole neil put her down
Well, I hope neil young will remember
A southern man don't need him around anyhow
Sweet home alabama
Where the skies are so blue
Sweet home alabama
Lord, I'm coming home to you
In birmingham they love the governor
Now we all did what we could do
Now watergate does not bother me
Does your conscience bother you?
Tell the truth
Sweet home alabama
Where the skies are so blue
Sweet home alabama
Lord, I'm coming home to you
Here I come alabama
Now muscle shoals has got the swampers
And they've been known to pick a song or two
Lord they get me off so much
They pick me up when I'm feeling blue
Now how about you?
Sweet home alabama
Where the skies are so blue
Sweet home alabama
Lord, I'm coming home to you
Sweet home alabama
Oh sweet home baby
Where the skies are so blue
And the governor's true
Sweet home alabama
Lordy
Lord, I'm coming home to you
Yea, yea montgomery's got the answer
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Video Games, Death and Jesus
I came across some interesting gaming stories. I am not much of a gamer--not since college. Now I am strictly a Minesweeper and Solitaire player. I thought that I would leave these quirky stories with you over the weekend.
The first is about a gamer who died from a gaming overdose. Check it out here.
The second story is about the growing role that Jesus is playing in video games. No kidding. "I play a lot of Christian video games," Tolin said. "They don't have fights. You just have to follow Jesus and pick up little crosses for points."
The Christian game industry is hoping to break into a large untapped market of Christian gamers. Although the task is daunting they claim that the Christian music industry wasn't made overnight.
Is it just me or is anyone else tired of the building and maintaining of a Christian culture that attempts to parallel 'mainstream' culture? Doesn't this add to the 'us/them' mentality? Doesn't this add to the degree of separation between a Christian and the rest of the world? This article gave me flashbacks of the movie 'Saved.'
Am I being overly critical of the Christian gaming industry or do we really need to pick up little crosses for points? You can read this article here.
The first is about a gamer who died from a gaming overdose. Check it out here.
The second story is about the growing role that Jesus is playing in video games. No kidding. "I play a lot of Christian video games," Tolin said. "They don't have fights. You just have to follow Jesus and pick up little crosses for points."
The Christian game industry is hoping to break into a large untapped market of Christian gamers. Although the task is daunting they claim that the Christian music industry wasn't made overnight.
Is it just me or is anyone else tired of the building and maintaining of a Christian culture that attempts to parallel 'mainstream' culture? Doesn't this add to the 'us/them' mentality? Doesn't this add to the degree of separation between a Christian and the rest of the world? This article gave me flashbacks of the movie 'Saved.'
Am I being overly critical of the Christian gaming industry or do we really need to pick up little crosses for points? You can read this article here.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
A Nation at War...still
The front page of the Star Tribune headlines that 2,000 Minnesotans are at attention for deployment. My wife and I have known about this for some time. A year ago this month I was somewhere on my way home from a yearlong peacekeeping mission to Kosovo with the United States Army. It is uncertain where another year into the future will have me. I try not to put my hopes on any one scenario. Until it happens, and sometimes even while it is happening, deployments are about as predictable as the weather. That being said, many of my friends have been packing their bags for months now.
I am proud of my military service and I will be proud to serve again if so called. I am also a Christian. Depending upon whom I talk to these two things, being a Christian and being proud to serve in an armed force, go together like Pizza and cheese or like oil and water. What follows is an honest attempt to discover this soldier's heart. It is an unrefined place that has, despite that fact, chosen definite loyalties. But are they conflicting loyalties? Maybe.
Stanley Hauerwas would think so. Hauerwas is one of America's premiere theologians/ethicists. He is one of my role models in Christian Thought. He is also a pacifist. Incidentally, if you are a pacifist or are uncertain whether you are then you should at least be familiar with Stanley Hauerwas. I have never met a more convincing pacifism. I admire him for it. No one brings to life the Christian story like he does.
Hauerwas argues, simply stated here, that Christians do not live in some in-between time that separates the initiation of the Kingdom of God and some further establishment of it. Rather, when Jesus assumed the throne at his ascension, the Kingdom of God was firmly, fully and eternally established. It is consequently the believers' job, the church's job, to witness to that fact. We are to operate as if we are what we are--members of an eternal peaceable kingdom. Believers are not to be nationalists. They are to be witnesses to an eternal and invisible kingdom that is not of this world. Any participation in governmental structures is simply to serve these ends. This seems to make some government jobs sticky scenarios for Christians if not off-limits.
War, for Hauerwas, is simply one of two things--or a combination of them both. 1) War is an effort to obtain what we do not have (James 4:1-2); 2) War is an effort to secure what we love. Both of these elements involve a level of both greed and fear. Both of these elements are efforts to secure on earth what has already been secured for Christians in heaven. Heaven, or the eternal peaceable kingdom, is the reality that must grip and unite believers. Christians are to live life with an eschatological focus. In other words, the 'end' of our story defines how we live today. This 'end' is all ready present. It is the peaceable kingdom to which we witness. It is the church. It is our ethic. It is that which makes the world, the world, and the church, the church. It is that which is ruled by Jesus--right now. Christians are to live out of their eternal security--keeping in mind their whole story as believers, not just their earthy story; and Christians consequently have no need to secure their earthly fears and wants. Such efforts do not witness to their secured citizenship in God's kingdom.
Just War theories, on the other hand, assume that we do live in an in-between time. The peaceable kingdom does not fully emerge until the earth passes away. Until then, Christians must attempt to figure out how to participate (or not) in the inevitable war nature of earth. If one agrees with this 'in-between time' assumption (which I do not) then one must wrestle with what qualifications for war are 'just.' This is often a very nationalistic and arbitrary process which occasionally--if not frequently--draws on Scripture's war metaphor, human life values, and Israeli history without adequately dealing with Hauerwas's position. Hauerwas, reversely, can articulate and defend a Just War position better than most adherents and arguers.
Herein lies my affliction. I am a soldier--willing to kill. I also agree with Hauerwas's story of the church--witnesses of that which has already come. I apparently am conflicted. This may be more than apparent; it may be that I am actually at odds with my self. Is there a way to be loyal to both kingdoms? What makes the United States right all of the time? It is not. It is a nation that has to do exactly what Hauerwas said. It has to obtain what it does not have and it must protect what it loves--it owes as much to those whom it serves and to those whom find residence within its sovereignty. To what degree it must do these things is up for much debate, but what is not debatable is that it must do these things at least to some degree (a great degree) in order to exist as a nation. In fact, without securing what we don't have and what we love we would not be this nation at all--we would be nationals of some other nation which did instead.
For me it is not about whether or not the United States is right. No one in our government is ever going to give me enough facts so that I can properly asses the situation in Iraq. For those who are not principally pacifists, where one falls on the debate over Iraq is not about who is right or who is wrong as much as it is about how much one trusts what they know about the war. Our information is closely connected with our sources. There are people in my neighborhood who would wonder what George Bush was hiding if he declared that the sky was blue and that grass is green and that cows mooed. They do not trust his administration; they do not trust his motives. There are many who feel the same way about the media--with the exception of Fox News of course.
The nation and its people retain the privilege of debating whether or not Iraq is a Just War by positioning their cases upon whom and what they trust and whom and what they do not. A soldier has given up that privilege long ago. A soldier does not decide anything but how to execute that task that has been assigned to her. The amount of freedom in that decision making process often depends upon the task at hand and the rank of the soldier. A soldier's trust is pre-committed and directly depends little upon current public debates of right and wrong. A United States soldier's trust is based, rather, upon a faithful loyalty to the democratic voice of the people as put forth by their representatives.
It is ultimately my life, and the lives of those we take, which I have submitted to this democratic process--to the United States. This is a sobering thought. In my sobriety (and possibly looking for relief) I wonder whether or not Hauerwas is right. Must a true witness of a peaceable kingdom never take a life or give her life for a simply earthly cause? To what extent can one live in an earthly nation and not be a part of it? How much do the people of the church want the best of both worlds--freedom to practice religion here and in heaven? These are tough questions. I don't have an answer for them.
Many of the military's new recruits shown on the covers of the nation's newspapers, just as in today's Star Tribune, are a special breed. It used to be that recruits would join for college money or for some financial/job security. While that may still be the case in some desperate circumstances, the fact that we are at war means that recruits must have a more life-giving relationship with their decision than what they can receive for college. Many see the decision as an opportunity to serve their communities. Maybe Minnesota has the nation’s highest recruiting record--at 85% of their projected goals--during this wartime effort simply because we have a large number of youth who are looking for purpose. That purpose is to give back to the nation that has given to them.
I suppose that I share in this purpose. As far as we know, Jesus did not tell the centurion to abandon his position (Luke 7:1-10). He did not encourage members of an eternal kingdom to stop funding war efforts by ceasing to pay taxes (Mark 12:13-17). These may be feeble attempts to justify a decision that I have already made and loyalties that I have already chosen. However, I am comforted that my story does not end here--not on this earth. I am also sure that there are other ways to witness to an eternal and peaceable kingdom even while serving a secular nation as a soldier. Since this is my circumstance I am unwaveringly committed to my service.
Whether we like it or not, every part of our daily life here on earth is built upon the lives of those who have fought before us on behalf of secular nations just like this one. It is up to us to figure out how to honor, acknowledge and respect that terrible truth. Although Christians may be nomads on earth, they cannot escape benefiting from those who have died to preserve each nation’s way of life.
I do have one request. If there are Christians who are serving a secular nation with their lives then the rest of us can find it in our time to serve that same secular nation in ways which our faith allows. If the parable of the good Samaritan is at all a witness of the eternal kingdom then we need look no further than our own neighborhood.
I am proud of my military service and I will be proud to serve again if so called. I am also a Christian. Depending upon whom I talk to these two things, being a Christian and being proud to serve in an armed force, go together like Pizza and cheese or like oil and water. What follows is an honest attempt to discover this soldier's heart. It is an unrefined place that has, despite that fact, chosen definite loyalties. But are they conflicting loyalties? Maybe.
Stanley Hauerwas would think so. Hauerwas is one of America's premiere theologians/ethicists. He is one of my role models in Christian Thought. He is also a pacifist. Incidentally, if you are a pacifist or are uncertain whether you are then you should at least be familiar with Stanley Hauerwas. I have never met a more convincing pacifism. I admire him for it. No one brings to life the Christian story like he does.
Hauerwas argues, simply stated here, that Christians do not live in some in-between time that separates the initiation of the Kingdom of God and some further establishment of it. Rather, when Jesus assumed the throne at his ascension, the Kingdom of God was firmly, fully and eternally established. It is consequently the believers' job, the church's job, to witness to that fact. We are to operate as if we are what we are--members of an eternal peaceable kingdom. Believers are not to be nationalists. They are to be witnesses to an eternal and invisible kingdom that is not of this world. Any participation in governmental structures is simply to serve these ends. This seems to make some government jobs sticky scenarios for Christians if not off-limits.
War, for Hauerwas, is simply one of two things--or a combination of them both. 1) War is an effort to obtain what we do not have (James 4:1-2); 2) War is an effort to secure what we love. Both of these elements involve a level of both greed and fear. Both of these elements are efforts to secure on earth what has already been secured for Christians in heaven. Heaven, or the eternal peaceable kingdom, is the reality that must grip and unite believers. Christians are to live life with an eschatological focus. In other words, the 'end' of our story defines how we live today. This 'end' is all ready present. It is the peaceable kingdom to which we witness. It is the church. It is our ethic. It is that which makes the world, the world, and the church, the church. It is that which is ruled by Jesus--right now. Christians are to live out of their eternal security--keeping in mind their whole story as believers, not just their earthy story; and Christians consequently have no need to secure their earthly fears and wants. Such efforts do not witness to their secured citizenship in God's kingdom.
Just War theories, on the other hand, assume that we do live in an in-between time. The peaceable kingdom does not fully emerge until the earth passes away. Until then, Christians must attempt to figure out how to participate (or not) in the inevitable war nature of earth. If one agrees with this 'in-between time' assumption (which I do not) then one must wrestle with what qualifications for war are 'just.' This is often a very nationalistic and arbitrary process which occasionally--if not frequently--draws on Scripture's war metaphor, human life values, and Israeli history without adequately dealing with Hauerwas's position. Hauerwas, reversely, can articulate and defend a Just War position better than most adherents and arguers.
Herein lies my affliction. I am a soldier--willing to kill. I also agree with Hauerwas's story of the church--witnesses of that which has already come. I apparently am conflicted. This may be more than apparent; it may be that I am actually at odds with my self. Is there a way to be loyal to both kingdoms? What makes the United States right all of the time? It is not. It is a nation that has to do exactly what Hauerwas said. It has to obtain what it does not have and it must protect what it loves--it owes as much to those whom it serves and to those whom find residence within its sovereignty. To what degree it must do these things is up for much debate, but what is not debatable is that it must do these things at least to some degree (a great degree) in order to exist as a nation. In fact, without securing what we don't have and what we love we would not be this nation at all--we would be nationals of some other nation which did instead.
For me it is not about whether or not the United States is right. No one in our government is ever going to give me enough facts so that I can properly asses the situation in Iraq. For those who are not principally pacifists, where one falls on the debate over Iraq is not about who is right or who is wrong as much as it is about how much one trusts what they know about the war. Our information is closely connected with our sources. There are people in my neighborhood who would wonder what George Bush was hiding if he declared that the sky was blue and that grass is green and that cows mooed. They do not trust his administration; they do not trust his motives. There are many who feel the same way about the media--with the exception of Fox News of course.
The nation and its people retain the privilege of debating whether or not Iraq is a Just War by positioning their cases upon whom and what they trust and whom and what they do not. A soldier has given up that privilege long ago. A soldier does not decide anything but how to execute that task that has been assigned to her. The amount of freedom in that decision making process often depends upon the task at hand and the rank of the soldier. A soldier's trust is pre-committed and directly depends little upon current public debates of right and wrong. A United States soldier's trust is based, rather, upon a faithful loyalty to the democratic voice of the people as put forth by their representatives.
It is ultimately my life, and the lives of those we take, which I have submitted to this democratic process--to the United States. This is a sobering thought. In my sobriety (and possibly looking for relief) I wonder whether or not Hauerwas is right. Must a true witness of a peaceable kingdom never take a life or give her life for a simply earthly cause? To what extent can one live in an earthly nation and not be a part of it? How much do the people of the church want the best of both worlds--freedom to practice religion here and in heaven? These are tough questions. I don't have an answer for them.
Many of the military's new recruits shown on the covers of the nation's newspapers, just as in today's Star Tribune, are a special breed. It used to be that recruits would join for college money or for some financial/job security. While that may still be the case in some desperate circumstances, the fact that we are at war means that recruits must have a more life-giving relationship with their decision than what they can receive for college. Many see the decision as an opportunity to serve their communities. Maybe Minnesota has the nation’s highest recruiting record--at 85% of their projected goals--during this wartime effort simply because we have a large number of youth who are looking for purpose. That purpose is to give back to the nation that has given to them.
I suppose that I share in this purpose. As far as we know, Jesus did not tell the centurion to abandon his position (Luke 7:1-10). He did not encourage members of an eternal kingdom to stop funding war efforts by ceasing to pay taxes (Mark 12:13-17). These may be feeble attempts to justify a decision that I have already made and loyalties that I have already chosen. However, I am comforted that my story does not end here--not on this earth. I am also sure that there are other ways to witness to an eternal and peaceable kingdom even while serving a secular nation as a soldier. Since this is my circumstance I am unwaveringly committed to my service.
Whether we like it or not, every part of our daily life here on earth is built upon the lives of those who have fought before us on behalf of secular nations just like this one. It is up to us to figure out how to honor, acknowledge and respect that terrible truth. Although Christians may be nomads on earth, they cannot escape benefiting from those who have died to preserve each nation’s way of life.
I do have one request. If there are Christians who are serving a secular nation with their lives then the rest of us can find it in our time to serve that same secular nation in ways which our faith allows. If the parable of the good Samaritan is at all a witness of the eternal kingdom then we need look no further than our own neighborhood.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)